I still trusted him

‘Maybe I’m doing something wrong, or there’s something not right with me’, I said to my friend, Dilan, between rounds at jiu-jitsu.

I hated how insecure and anxious I sounded.

She shook her head.

‘Every woman I know has had a good time with a man, thought it might go somewhere, and then he has pulled back without explanation.’
That recognition was comforting, if a little bleak.

I realised the push-and-pull approach of Matteo* was just another quirk of modern dating – nothing personal, just a sad fact of how some men behave.

Matteo and I matched on Hinge in December.

When he popped up, I liked the fact that he was tall and muscular, as well as having a stable job.

Circumstances meant that we couldn’t go on a date right away – so we spoke every day for a month before meeting.

That’s where I got the impression that he might be in this for the long haul, looking for something more than a fling .

He sent voice notes about everything from his day, sharing his thoughts on AI and religion and asking for mine.

I smiled when his name lit up my phone.

I wasn’t thinking about the future in a serious way, but he had my full attention and I wasn’t having romantic conversations with anyone else.

For our first date , Matteo and I went for a walk along the beach, and it felt like we had just picked up a conversation which had never really paused.

I joked about him being a bit of a boomer for using a guidebook on holiday and carrying a wallet full of physical cards.

He kept smiling at me when I spoke, and mentioned he’d read all my articles.

Between our first two dates, Matteo’s communication remained as engaged as it had been before we met.

He still talked with an intensity that suggested a serious relationship and referred to future plans.

We even mapped out how we could both work remotely and go travelling together.

Want to spill the beans about your own awkward encounter or love story?

Contact Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk
It was on our second date that he dropped the bombshell.

‘So what are you looking for, romantically?’ Matteo asked, his arm around me as we sat by the river.

‘That depends on the person.’ I leaned into him.

‘But I’m always opposed to a friends-with-benefits situation.’
I wasn’t prepared for what he said next.

‘I don’t date with intention or with anything long-term in mind,’ he replied.

‘I go with the flow.’
I am not a casual person, and I had thought, with Matteo, there was the potential for something meaningful.

Everything up to then had been promising; nothing until that moment had suggested that he had something short-term or casual in mind.

For weeks, we’d been messaging all day, every day.

He’d been so enthusiastic about plans we’d made together.

He had even asked what triggered my anxiety, so he could better understand it and avoid saying the wrong thing – it had felt like he was planning for our future.

Instead of walking away or challenging him, I tried to brush it off with a joke, an attempt to hide how upset I was.

I now realise that was far too generous an interpretation – because Matteo’s ‘go with the flow’ approach did more harm than good.

We kissed that night, and it was equal parts warm and confusing.

Matteo didn’t pull me onto his lap and look into my eyes like a man who ‘doesn’t date with intention’.

He told me about his mum passing away, disappointments from his past relationships, and how he doesn’t place high expectations on people, which is why he ‘goes with the flow’.

It was such mixed messaging.

He spoke like someone who could see us on a romantic journey together, but it was like he’d given himself a built-in exit.

Later that night, Matteo texted saying he’d had a lovely time, and I assumed our consistent communication would continue.

Instead, I didn’t hear from him for two days.

When he did eventually message me again, it was just a photo update of his training in the gym, not the kind of romantic talks we’d been having before.

I replied, but the conversation soon petered out, and I haven’t heard from him since.

Soon, I was spiralling, replaying conversations and telling myself not to read into things – which is easier said than done.

I’ve had some dates since, but pay more attention to how people show up now, not just how they communicate in advance of meeting.

I went to London’s last remaining Tube station pub — it was almost perfect
Early enthusiasm is easy.

Sustained effort is rarer.

These days, I run a tighter screening process, but, whenever in-person actions don’t match texted enthusiasm, I head quickly in the other direction.

That’s how I’m going with the flow.

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