Every friendship group has a ‘finger princess’ — it could be you

You’ve spent the past few days in the group chat organising a birthday dinner for a friend, and finally, the plan is in place.

But then, a notification pops up.

Jessica, a member of said group chat, wants to know what the plan is.

Of course, all these questions could be answered with a simple ‘hey Siri’ or a Google, even a ChatGPT message.

But no, she’s asking you.

This friend-type has been dubbed the ‘finger princess’ by popular Australian podcast Mamamia Out Loud, because essentially, they don’t lift a finger.

‘They ask questions when really they should use a little bit of initiative,’ host Jessie Stephens says.

‘They might post in a Facebook group and ask if someone knows of a hairdresser in Surrey Hills, when you could Google that.

Or, they might say to their partner: “Do you know where my water bottle is?” even though they haven’t moved off the couch and looked for themselves.’
The host adds every friendship group has at least one, and commenters under the podcast Instagram post were quick to agree.

Instagrammer Sue Bryce referred to these individuals as ‘askholes’, while some women said their ‘husband is a finger princess’.

Another even said: ‘This is my pet peeve.’

How to spot a ‘finger princess’

‘They default to others for small decisions or practical tasks rather than taking initiative,’ she explains.

‘There’s a pattern – it’s not occasional forgetfulness, it’s a consistent reliance on someone else to “do the thinking”.’
But, if you’re assuming a finger princess operates from a place of indolence, there’s a good change you’d be wrong.

‘Although it can be deeply irritating and leave you feeling taken for granted, it’s rarely about laziness or a reflection of how someone feels about you,’ psychotherapist Natasha Silverman tells Metro.

Instead she says finger princesses can be born from relational patterns formed in early life.

‘Attachment styles can shape how someone seeks closeness – some people lean towards over-reliance or co-dependency as a way of feeling connected or loved,’ Natasha adds.

For Sarah, some people are simply used to growing up in environments where others anticipate their needs.

They don’t build that “self-starting” muscle,’ she explains.

Anxiety and decision fatigue can also play a role, with both experts saying simple choices can feel overwhelming as a result, or the ‘fear of getting it wrong’ leads to avoiding the responsibility altogether.

‘It’s not a free pass’

‘Intent doesn’t cancel out impact,’ Sarah explains.

‘Even if it’s not deliberate, it can become draining for the other person over time.

‘Sometimes there can be a subtle dynamic where one person leans into being “looked after” and the other into being “the capable one.”
‘It can feel good on both sides initially, but over time it often breeds frustration.

So it’s not just incompetence – but it’s also not a free pass.’
Simply put, this friendship dynamic is a boundary issue, Natasha says, but instead of calling it out directly, there’s a more subtle solution.

‘The key is gently shifting the dynamic rather than calling it out harshly,’ Sarah points out.

‘Start handing things back: “I’m not sure – what do you think?” or “Have a quick look and let me know.” Avoid immediately rescuing – give space for them to figure it out.’

You could also be part of the problem

‘It’s crucial to start noticing the moments where you feel compelled to over-function for others.

This isn’t just about your friend’s behaviour, it’s about your own response during the interaction,’ she explains.

Feeling like you need to rescue your friend whenever they ask, to reduce your own discomfort around letting them down, is part of the issue.

‘Reducing people-pleasing behaviours (aka ‘fawning’) and building your confidence to trust that other people can manage their own negative emotions could be an important piece of work for you to do with a relationships therapist,’ Natasha adds.

So, is it time you started lifting some more fingers?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.